The Best Laid Plans

No matter what anyone says about determination and perseverance and the limitless things you can achieve when you are really hungry for it, these motivations lose their meaning when applied to relationships.

If I wanted to be rich, and I think that I do sometimes, I'm not nearly driven enough to push my life tirelessly towards wealth. But, if I really wanted it, I could have all the money I'd ever need.

If I wanted fame, I could certainly start by making a name for myself, but I still find some comfort in the sense of anonymity. But, If I really wanted, I could have all the fame I'd ever want.

If I wanted strength and beauty, I could get a gym membership and eat better, dress with more fashion-sense and spend more money and time on my appearance, but I am unapologetically myself. But, If I really wanted it, I could have all that I want.

But with you, It doesn't work that way.
I can fight for this, and I really have, perhaps more than you know, but it won't change anything.
I take great comfort in your words when they speak of us as something worthwhile, as something worth saving.. or fighting for.
But you have your own agenda, and regardless of how I feel about it, you will always do whatever it is you want to do. Because I don't own you, nor have I ever misconstrued that to be false.
When you have tears in your eyes, and you tell me that when you're out with him that you're thinking of me I try not to believe that, because you choose to be with him.
You stayed quiet about it, and lied when confronted because you didn't want to admit these things to yourself. That what you're doing might be wrong or hurtful.
And I can't lecture you about what's fundamentally wrong with your actions, because It wouldn't do an ounce of good, or change a damn thing.
So instead I lecture myself.
I take a step back only to realize that I haven't stepped back far enough to see this from the outside in.
I have offered you comfort, companionship, trust, respect and love, at least in some capacity, but you didn't want these things.. and maybe I can't fault you for that.
Maybe we're in two different places right now, and we can't ever be brought together.
Maybe it's the age difference.
Could be a lot of things, really.
Maybe I still haven't stepped back far enough to have the perspective I need in order to draw some understanding from this mess.

All I have left now is myself.
Which normally would not be such a bad thing. I have everything in the world going for me right now, so I should be happy that I now have the time to focus my attentions onto myself, and improving my life.
But, I have grown fond of the idea of 'us'.
And I started to really take the plans we had made seriously.
I was in love, at least, with the thought of being in love.
I wanted to end my search, and had truly thought that I had found someone worthwhile, and while we didn't always connect perfectly, I was happy, and that is worth it's weight in gold these days.
But you don't want to be with me.
You'd rather be with him.
He doesn't even know you the way that I do.
He won't ever respect you the way that I do.
Regretfully, I secretly hope that it turns out horribly for you guys, as if that would send you spiraling back into my arms.
Would I even want that?
Hopefully if that does happen, I will have enough distance to know that this wasn't meant to be.

As for right now, I will open and close my phone repeatedly, and find remnants of you in my home, at work, and in my head. I will wish that things didn't turn out this way, and wonder if I could have said/done something/anything differently to avoid this outcome.
I will let my eyes sweep the concrete as I pace myself around my thoughts, while listening to terribly sad music.
I will be sad and alone until I become confused and in denial, until I become angry and resentful, until I am over you.
And you.. well, I don't know what you'll do.
Maybe you'll come to your senses and see that what we've lost is worth more than some fling, or the excitement of being with someone who has an air of importance.
Maybe you'll realize that you traded someone who loves you for someone that just wants to fuck you. Or maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe it doesn't matter.
Maybe no matter what I say or do or feel, life will go on without me.
Actually, it definitely will.
I would have done anything to prevent you from ending up in a heap of ex-girlfriends, but I could no longer handle the push/pull.
It was tearing me apart, and it still is.

Regardless, tomorrow I will wake up, and the earth will still be spinning on its axis, circling the sun through boundless space - and that, in itself, will be worth more than us in the long run.